What Lysander learns
by Anrheithwyr
Summary: Lorcan talks first. Lorcan does everything first. He was born first, he said his first word before Lysander, he even realised the truth about the world quicker than his twin. Lorcan explains everything so patiently. Lorcan is always very patient. He takes time to explain things, whereas Lysander wants to rushrushrush through everything and just get it done with. Lysander listens.


Lorcan talks first.

(Lorcan does everything first. He was born first, he said his first word before Lysander, he even realised the truth about the world quicker than his twin.)

_We don't exactly intend on giving up. A difference in house isn't enough to separate what wasn't meant to be separated. _

Lorcan explains everything so patiently.

(Lorcan is always very patient. He takes time to explain things, whereas Lysander wants to _rushrushrush _through everything and just get it done with.)

_We're more than brothers, after all. We're twins. We were born to stick together. It's in our very nature._

(But a difference of houses is very serious. Lysander isn't clever enough to get into the Ravenclaw dorms, and Lorcan doesn't like the darkness of the dungeons.)

_I just don't understand why you're so worried about us. It's not like I'm going to give up on my very best friend in the world over something as stupid as the house your in._

(Yet they hardly ever spend time with each other any more, too busy with different classes and different friends and different paths that they intend on taking.)

…

The worst day of Lysander's life is the day he is sorted. He never _asked _to be in Slytherin-had anyone?-but here he was, in the house of snakes, surrounded by strangers.

Lysander, who, at age eleven, had never been separated from his brother for more than a few hours at a time.

Lysander, who had grown up sharing a bed with his twin, as well as clothes and jokes and a long list of other things that Lysander couldn't share with the boys in his dorm.

Lorcan adapted easily-of course he did. Lorcan made friends with everyone, because he was handsome and outspoken and intelligent.

Lysander had let his brother speak for him and defend him and...Lorcan had been equal parts brother and protector, guiding his twin through life with the patience that only a sibling who has never been without their brother can have.

So why is it that the hat separated them? Couldn't the stupid old piece of cloth _see _that Lysander needed his brother?

Couldn't it see that Lysander doesn't know how to live without his other half, and that he is now drowning in a sea of unfamiliarity?

He looked around the table, glancing at faces he should have known after a month of school, but were just as fresh to him as they had been that first night.

Lysander hadn't learned anyone's name, nor who they were or what they liked. He knew nothing about them.

He had offered no information about himself, either, choosing instead to remain quiet in the hopes that this mistake would eventually be corrected and he'd soon be returned to his brother, where he belonged.

But it didn't happen, and Lysander saw very little of his older brother, who seemed to be enjoying himself in Ravenclaw, where he fits in with all the other self-assured intelligents.

Lorcan, in fact, seemed to barely remember he even had a twin, and Lysander fretted that they day would soon come that his brother would look upon him as a stranger, unable to recognise the features in his own face that could also be found in Lysander.

The teachers worry after Lysander, asking if he is adjusting okay, questioning whether or not they ought to write home to Lysander's parents.

Lysander tells them not to bother, because his parents are very big on letting their children raise themselves, evidenced by the fact that they had left their sons at their grandfather's house for a year and a half.

And so Lysander struggles through school, not even bothering to pretend like he is happy, because he will never be happy without his twin.

He feels ignored and abandoned, but Lysander never says anything, because who would listen? Lorcan has forgotten all about him, and Lysander's classmates think him weird and usually avoid the wild-eyed boy.

Lysander, who is left out of everything, who dreams, still, of the days when he would hold his brother's hand and run through the tulip fields of the Dutch countryside.

He dreams of the days when they used to be more than best friends and more than just brothers: when they used to be perfect and beautiful halves of each other.

And Lysander cries, because they are no longer perfect and no longer even much of friends, because Lorcan has forgotten his brother.

Lysander will never forget. He is unable to and unwilling to, and so he shrinks away, shadows growing under his eyes and his hair begins to fall out from worry.

…

By the Christmas holidays, Lysander is nearly half-bald, and the other boys in his dorm tease him for it, calling him all sorts of mocking names.

But Lysander doesn't mind-or, indeed, even notice it much-because the holidays means three whole weeks of Lorcan all to himself without anyone else around to distract his brother.

Except that Lorcan has apparently written to their parents and asked if it is okay for him to stay at school this year, for studying purposes, of course, which really just means that he likes the idea of being mature enough to stay away for a whole year.

And Lysander, who didn't know about this plan, comes home on the train himself, stressed that he has forgotten something or lost something, and _why isn't Lorcan here to make everything better?_

He begins to pull at his hair as the train bustles back to London, huge tufts of hair floating down onto the seat around him as he paces back and forth.

Lysander barely even notices the odd looks he gets from the other students as he departs from the train, unaware of the barely-there scrap of hair that remains on his forehead.

His father notices, though, and almost immediately, demanding to know _what in the hell are you thinking, son?_

Lysander doesn't answer and Mummy calls it a _fashion trend. _She says that Lysander must just be experimenting, and Dad mustn't bother him about it.

Lysander doesn't have the heart-or the courage-to admit to them that he has done this to himself because he is too weak to make it at school without his brother.

The holidays are fine, if a little stressful without Lorcan, who has always been around to protect his younger twin.

Dad asks lots of questions about school that Lysander can't answer, and Dad begins to grow increasingly frustrated and bothered by Lysander's silence.

By the fourth day of the holidays, Dad stops asking questions at all, barely even speaking to Lysander, only shooting him looks of intense worry.

Mummy doesn't worry, of course, because Mummy _understands _that Lysander can't seem to find the words to express how he feels.

She tells him it's fine if he chooses to remain silent, but maybe he could answer a question every now and then, just to calm Dad down? _Please, Ly? Just a few questions, is all._

Lysander can't wait to go back to school, which surprises him, but at least at school, he can get away from the questions and the scared looks from his father.

He writes no letters to Lorcan, and doesn't receive a single letter _from _his brother, either. It is like they are now living in two different worlds, separated by that single moment when the hat picked _Ravenclaw! _for Lorcan and _Slytherin! _for Lysander.

…

His hair begins to grow back-if only a little bit-by the time school picks up, but Lysander doesn't feel any better about himself.

He still can't seem to quite handle life without his brother, struggling through simple tasks like dressing himself or maintaining an appetite.

Lorcan passes Lysander in the hallways now, always with that same look that Dad had over break, but he never _speaks _about it.

Lysander continues his life of silence, not even answering the questions that his teachers ask him.

His grades reflect no vast levels of intelligence-certainly not enough to warrant him the chance to beg his way into Ravenclaw-and they only increasingly prove that Lysander cannot handle life on his own.

He begins slipping in his eating habits, struggling to force himself to even eat most days, and when he does, it's the smallest amounts.

Lysander grows tired, the shadows coming back to give his face a haunted look, and what hair Lysander has grown back begins to shed away once more.

He turns nearly skeletal in form, and still Lysander does not speak, or accept his dorm mate's requests to take him to the hospital wing.

It is shortly after that Lorcan finally confronts him, speaking to his younger brother for the first time since September.

_I'm worried about you, Ly. Something's off-you aren't eating, you're struggling in school, and all your hair is gone. Is there something you want to talk about?_

No. No, there's not anything to talk about-Lysander only smiles, glad that his brother has, at least temporarily, come back to Lysander.

He never wants to lose his brother again and if promises ot eat a little more and study a little harder is what it takes to get his brother back, then Lysander is more than willing.

All he has ever wanted was for his brother to love him. He wants his brother to love him the way Lysander loves Lorcan: more than anything else in the world.

Lysander needs his brother, and he will do anything to keep his brother around for as long as possible.

_I'm concerned about you, Ly._

…

Lorcan talks first.

(Lorcan does everything first. He was born first, he said his first word before Lysander, he even realised the truth about the world quicker than his twin.)

He's even the first one to give up on the relationship that they once shared, quickly forgetting about his brother in exchange for new friends and new experiences.

But it is Lysander who gives up on life first, admitting that a world where Lorcan is not beside him at all times, his partner in everything, is not a world that Lysander wants.

It is Lysander who is the first one to finally say that he _needs _Lorcan more than Lorcan needs him, and that things aren't going to get better just because Lysander wants them to.

It is Lysander who discovers the joys of pulling out his hair until he is nearly bald, because it makes Lorcan notice him again.

And it is Lysander who finally realises why he belongs in Slytherin: he knows, more than anything else he knows this to be true, that his brother will drop anything and everything if he feels like his baby brother is in danger.

_It's just a little bit of hair. It's just a little bit of flesh. It's just a teeny-tiny bit of my life that I'm giving up. _

_It's just the length I'm willing to go to keep you here beside me._


End file.
